In the darkness, there is light. A flicker that illuminates a distant hope.
For so long, I have lived in the dark, trying to maneuver this life without a visible path. It was only a glimmer which directed me for my broken soul had no body whole to walk with. With despair came discovery.
I have shed that which I thought I was. My scarred and marred shell protects and prevents the insidious pain. I am manifesting and mending.
* * * * * * *
These past weeks have been hard. I had hit a wall. Medically exhausted. Not simply tired with the stresses of life. No. I was unable to move and think for the better part of a week. During this time of deep sleep, there was also time for deep reflection. Why had I allowed myself to become so broken? How had life become so imbalanced and overwhelming that my body demanded it rest?
I got to deep thinking about what I wanted in this life, or at least what I had wanted, and how misaligned my present had become with my ideals. The simple had become burdensome. Mess caused stress. Art manifesting in others but my dreams never becoming reality. Each breath so laboured.
It was in the quiet that I discovered that which must become important in my life: ME. It took my broken soul to access the dark recesses of my mind and discover that for so many I am not important. I placed so much weight on others and non-existent relationships. The dedication to self discovery and love has been lost.
For some time I have been pulled in unfulfilling directions. But now I feel found. I take ownership and accountability for allowing myself to slip away. I must now take ownership of being the soul responsible for putting me back together.
I am choosing to step away from that which pulls me from actualization. I choose now to focus on that which manifests MY happiness: my children, my home school, my art, my health. I will continue to be an advocate for natural parenting, gentle loving, post partum and birth triumphs and struggles, human rights, but I have decided no longer to physically support women on an individual basis. Postpartum care will no longer be a focus of the blog.
ivy & wren will now focus wholly on my own personal journey through motherhood. It will become a lifestyle blog. Homeschooling is a paramount part of my life and I will choose to highlight our self-directed studies, art therapy and projects. There will be a greater look into my home, my children, our love.
I will be delving deeper into art, portraiture and textile work that I plan on sharing.
WITH DESPAIR CAME DISCOVERY.